I know it has been a LONG time since I’ve written here, but for good reason. I got MARRIED! Despite having a double ear infection AND tonsillitis on top of all the joy that is EDS, marrying the person who has proven to be the greatest possible teammate in this battle against chronic illness was truly the most incredible day of my life. I really needed to take some time to enjoy the wedding and honeymoon and get back in to our lives before I could start to write again, but now, I need to write here because a few things have been happening I think folks who follow EDS Wisconsin can understand.
Despite being happier and more emotionally stable than I have ever been, my body has not been. I had some additional tests run earlier this summer on my legs that did not exactly give me the answers I wanted to hear. Then, I followed up with my doctor and asked what had been on my mind more than anything. I really haven’t been able to get around all that well. Using my crutches and cane hurt my spine. When I don’t use them, it hurts my legs. My doctor said something to me that’s stuck with me. She said, “I think you already know the answer to this, but you just need me to say it to you because I’m a doctor and it won’t be true until you hear it.” I’ve known I need a wheelchair when things are bad for a really long time, and despite writing here and often offering advice to you all, I do not exactly take it all that well.
The next week, I was responsible. I followed up with my psychologist. We talked about how it felt. We talked about what it meant. We talked about dealing with the social ramifications of being a wheelchair user who is not completely immobile. We talked about the tremendous difference it makes in my mind to have the wheelchair instead of the crutches or the cane–especially when I already don’t use them as much as I should. Then, came the insurance company asking me if it was even medically necessary to have one. At that moment, I knew, for the first time, I had to come to terms with my reality. I cannot stay in the workforce if I do not have a wheelchair to help me. I simply do not have the strength or pain capacity to handle what it is doing to me to work on my feet.
I had a wheelchair in my garage. It was an extra chair that isn’t exactly fitted right and certainly not a long-term solution. I kept it there, gathering cobwebs just in case of emergency. I kept it there because I worried I would need it someday. It had been almost a month and because insurance is complicated, I still hadn’t been approved for my own chair–but working had just gotten to the point I couldn’t do it anymore. SO, I didn’t what I never thought I would. I cleared off the cobwebs on the chair. I got a memory foam seat cushion and a bag for the back of it to carry the things I need for a day. Then, I took it to work, where I work with college students every single day. These young people can be unforgiving, judgmental, and challenging.
Here’s what happened: nothing. Nobody said anything at all. It didn’t cause me any problems socially. I was able to get through a day of work with much less pain than I normally do. My staff helped clear things out of the way to make our office more accessible. The college students I see every day didn’t see me any differently than ever before. Neither my staff nor my boss thought I was less valuable than before. I got home at the end of that first day in tears because I was so mad at myself for not doing it sooner.
I can’t say I’ve had this experience everywhere. In truth, older people struggle more with my disability than my generation. I don’t know if they always know how to handle that I look young and healthy when I’m not. They’re often the ones who make comments to me about handicap parking spaces or my decision to use a scooter in a grocery store even though I know people will look at me funny. I wish I had a chance to sit down with every person who did this to me and explain to them the 13 full years of my life I hurt this much and didn’t actually know why. I wish I could tell them about the surgeries I had in high school that were supposed to “fix” my legs but never did. I wish I could tell them that my high school threatened not to let me graduate because I couldn’t take a traditional gym class and wouldn’t let me march with my marching band because I was in a wheelchair from my surgeries–even though I sat first chair in the band and music was my favorite part of my education. I wish I could tell them that even though they might be judging me or assuming I’m not disabled, I am going to continue being as visible as I can for all the kids who are still out there who don’t know what is happening to them–and who might, right now, not be with their marching band, either.
I resent when people say you can do anything you set your mind to–or that if you just believe enough in yourself you can achieve anything. That’s not true. Limits do exist–and that’s OKAY. Accepting my limits is not easy–and society telling me not to is unhealthy. I believe in myself and my ability to be successful, but I also know I need a wheelchair sometimes and that my body has limits able-bodied people my age don’t understand. Life isn’t an inspirational poster all the time. Sometimes, it’s about taking the hard stuff and seeing the good in it. It’s about seeing how the bad things that happened because it took a long time to learn about your EDS–those things are now the ways you’re helping other people. I’ll take that over winning a marathon every day.